Script for Assholes Anonymous
Written by Mike Selby

featured on Equal Opportunity Offenders

Cast
Bill: Mike Selby
Ted: Matthew A. Woodruff
Announcer: Mike Selby

Bill: Well, it's been great talking to you, Ted... but I gotta go or else I'll be late for my AA meeting.

Ted: I didn't know you were an alcoholic.

Bill: No, No... It's a different support group. It's called Assholes Anonymous. Yes, as it turns out I've been a real asshole. In fact, my entire family is filled with assholes. My parents are assholes, all my brothers and sisters are assholes, and just the other day I caught my little son Timmy being an asshole.

Ted: Well, I'm glad you're finally getting some help.

Bill: Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you come with me to the meeting?

Ted: But I'm not an asshole.

Bill: Stop living in denial, Ted. You have all the classic symptoms: you have your head lodged far up your ass, you act like a total dick most of the time, and you have a complete disregard for other people's emotions.

Ted: Wow! I never realized it before. I'm a major asshole!

Bill: Join the club my friend.

Announcer: Assholes Anonymous... isn't it about time you got some help?