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Script and notes for Date Rejects Part 2
featured on Kittie Porn
Cast
(Intro music) TV Host: Welcome once again to everyone's favorite dating show: LOVE MATCH! (applause; end music) TV Host: Now let's have a look at tonight's bachelors. Bachelor number one is a manic depressive unemployed circus clown from Detroit. Say hello to Bonkers! (applause) TV Host: Bachelor number two is a mad scientist who enjoys watching Shirley Temple films and building weapons of mass destruction. Give a warm welcome to Malkore! (applause) TV Host: Bachelor number three is- Zod: Zod needs no introduction, puny mortal. The exploits of Zod are well known to all... even in this remote galaxy. TV Host: Uh.. okay. Let's give a round of applause to Zod everyone. (weak applause) TV Host: Well, now that we have our bachelors... let's take a look at the lucky lady who will get a chance to take one of these fine gentlemen out on a date. Will you come out please, Gina? (Applause) Gina: Thank you, Dick. It's great to be on the show. TV Host: Are you ready to start the game? Gina: I sure am, Dick. TV Host: All right then, fire away. Gina: Bachelor number 2, I love flowers. If you were to give me a bouquet of flowers on our first date, what kind of flowers would they be? Malkore: They would be a genetically engineered variety of flower... of my own design of course. Yes, they would be giant 50 foot tall carnivorous tulips... with such a ferocious appetite that they could skeletonize an entire cow in less than 12 seconds. Gina: (nervously) My, how- how romantic. Bachelor number 3... what would we do on our first date together? Zod: It is Zod's intention to breed with you. It is from this breeding that the two of us shall produce a master race of genetically superior human beings that will rise up and conquer this tiny planet... and Zod shall reign supreme forever! Gina: (sound of bitter disappointment in voice) Uh huh. I guess I'll be going with Bachelor number one next. Bachelor number 1, I love to go out to concerts. What would you say is your favorite type of music? Bonkers: Oh, anything but circus music. No, not circus music! Anything but that! I can still hear the music pounding in my brain. That incessant mind numbing tune blaring on and on and ON ...while I'm squeezed tightly into a tiny little car with 15 other clowns.... BIG, FAT, HAIRY, SMELLY CLOWNS! Oh, God the horror of it all! THE HORROR!!! Gina: Uh, okaaay. Bachelor number 3, if you had to choose only four words to describe yourself... what would they be? Zod: (pauses for a moment to think) All powerful being of supreme might. TV Host: Uh, bachelor number 3, that's six words. Zod: How dare you correct the mighty Zod! Do not try me again least I be forced to obliterate you! Gina: Bachelor number 2... if you were to build the perfect woman, what would she be like? Malkore: I already have built the perfect woman... out of old soup cans and 300 miles of twine. Oh God, how she was beautiful! ...but then she ran off with my Mr. Coffee and I never saw her again. Blast that infernal coffee maker! Gina: Bachelor number 1, what's the strangest thing that's ever happened to you in bed? Bonkers: Listen lady... I have size 39 shoes, blue hair, and a red nose... EVERYTHING that happens to me in bed is strange. Gina: Bachelor number 3, same question. Zod: Well, the last time a female joined me in my bed chambers I had difficulty achieving an erect- NOT THAT THAT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS! Zod had a lot on his mind at the time. It's not easy being a man of supreme power. (laughter filters though the audience) Stop your laughing! Stop it! Bonkers: Supreme power, huh? Sounds like you need some viagra power to me. (more laughing) Zod: Silence! That is it! You shall feel Zod's wrath! Bonkers: Bring it on tough guy! TV Host: (trying to interrupt) Uh, gentlemen. Zod: I shall enjoy disemboweling you! Bonkers: I'd like to see you try! TV Host: (sterner now) Gentlemen! Zod: The Mighty Zod shall scatter your remains across the four corners of the Earth. Your spleen shall be put- TV Host: (finally manages to get their attention) GENTLEMEN!!! It's time for Gina to make her decision. Gina: Do I REALLY have to go out on a date with one of these losers? TV show host: Yes. Gina: (sigh) I don't know. I've been kinda thinking of going with bachelor number 3... Zod: Yes! Yes! I knew it! The day of my glory has arrived. Zod has finally triumphed! (to other bachelors) In your face puny mortals! Gina: ...but on the other hand I think I'm going to go with Bachelor number 2. Malkore: Ha ha! Little does she know that I've subjugated her will with my very own super deluxe portable mind control device. (device begins to short circuit) Oh no! Gina: ...but now that I think about it... I think I'm going to go with Bachelor number- (sound of Cunnilingus man breaking through the walls of the set) Cunnilingus man: Fear not, my lady, for I shall have your problem licked soon enough! Gina: Cunnilingus Man! Cunnilingus man: Yes, it is I... the man with a tongue faster than a speeding bullet. I have come to save you from these rouges. Grab on to me and I shall whisk you away to my palace on Mt. Clitoris. Gina: My hero! Cunnilingus man: Up, up, and away licitly split! (Whoosh as Cunnilingus man flies off with contestant) Zod: You shall rue the day you messed with the Great Zod, Cunnilingus Man! From this day forward I vow this... Zod shall not rest until he sees you destroyed! Bonkers: What the hell are you so pissed about? She was going to choose me. Zod: No she wasn't. It was quite obvious that she was wooed by my charm and sophisticated wit. Bonkers: (sarcastically) Yeah, right pal. (closing music plays) TV Host: Well, I guess that's it for this week's edition of Love Match, but be sure to tune in again for next week's show. Bye for now.
This bit was written at about the same time as Date Rejects Part 1, but its production was delayed because we didn't have anyone to voice the part of Gina.
This bit marked the first appearance of Cunnilingus Man. When I first wrote this script, I couldn't figure out how to end it. It seemed quite obvious that she didn't want to go out on a date with any of the contestants. So, I decided to devise a character that she would want to go out with: Cunnilingus Man.
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