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Dear Psycho

The Reverend is in.
June 29, 2001


Welcome to Attention Deficit Theater's newest addition to its multimedia empire...the Austria-Hungary of the Web. "Dear Psycho" is just another way Rev. Psycho Matthias gives back to the community...by giving bad advice to those who want it. Now on to the first victim...er, uh, question...



Dear Psycho,

There's this girl that I like...but she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. People tell me I should just get over her, but I just can't stop thinking about her. What should I do?
-Love Struck


Dear Love Struck,

Let me start by saying that I totally empathize with you...I feel your pain deep down in my cockle as I think about all the chicks I wanted to f**k. This girl should feel honored...or, at least, flattered...that someone like you would spend every waking...and sleeping...minute obsessing over her at the expense of your family, friends, a paycheck, and future time spent outside prison...thanks to those annoying little anti-stalking laws which make dating more difficult for losers like ourselves. Considering what's at stake, it would be better if you lost your obsession altogether.

Just the other night, I was watching "Clockwork Orange" for the 256th time and listening to "Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment" by the Ramones repeatedly when I thought of the perfect cure for you. This cure is based on the Pavlovian Theory of Association...you know, the one based on the salivating dog.

The cure involves the following steps:
  1. When you masturbate, include an image of the girl with which you are obsessed. This image may be a yearbook photo, one ripped out of Hustler's "Beaver Hunt" section, etc..
  2. Have a car battery and a set of jumper cables on standby.
  3. Stare deeply at the image while you pet your "one-eyed trouser snake."
  4. At the moment of climax, attach the clips of the cables to your testicles...or your scrotum, if the pain is too great...as if you were jump-starting your car.
This should create a feeling that will be forever associated with your object of obsession. If you are still alive, repeat the procedure each and every time you masturbate until you are either dead or completely over your obsession with the girl.

To hasten your recovery, you must videotape the masturbation sessions. Make a copy for yourself to watch to further associate the girl...and probably the act of masturbation itself...with intense electric shock. Make another copy for the girl...so the bitch will be traumatized for never giving you a chance. This only works if she is not a sadist. Finally, make copies for me...so I can sell them on the Internet and to the creators of "The Faces of Death" movie series...should you die on camera.

Insincerely,

Rev. Psycho Matthias



Send your questions to adtheater@yahoo.com...or leave them on the Attention Deficit Theater Message Board...and Psycho will respond to them in this column...whenever he gets motivated to do so. Who needs teachers, therapists, and religious quacks...when you can come to the Reverend!