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| Dear Psycho >> Wobblecooky |
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Dear Psycho September 3, 2001 Psycho would like to offer his apologies to the loyal ADT fan base for being a lousy procrastinator on this feature...The Reverend does not own a computer...yet, thus it's difficult for him to give advice right away. So if you're seeking advice on whether you should kill someone or yourself, wait awhile until I can reply...it may be the best decision you ever made. On that note, let's go to a letter dating back to August 20, 2001...and hope that Psycho can "help" this guy. Ray "in f**king Switzerland" writes: inside my skull is wobblecooky (wc) wc is driving me into killing the body, sometimes, but then, at showdown, body wins and wc makes the hand jerk off to shoot sperm at the big red dot on my showercurtain. the way the cream floats down the showercurtain will tell me about what i am that day. an idiot, a murderer, a teacher, maybe even a toiletpaperfactoryemployee. however, this is not the point. the point is that the thoughts are cutting the cooky into pieces. the pieces then melt together into a new cooky and the problem is that the leftovers, the leftout, the cutaways are still withit, completely spilled all over the wc so that in the end there is nothing much but a cooky, and the amobic creature hanging from it - it looks like a human body. ouch. you send me f**king advice immedeatly. thank you. oh: i tried anything ylready. any drug taken. doesnt work. what about prescription medicine? Dear Ray, First of all, I want to offer you an apology for not being able to send you advice immediately. I hope, for your sake, that the body is still winning in its fight against the WC. I talked to several colleagues about your case and we agreed that the best thing for you to do is to make another cookie...make sure it's on a day when the semen on the shower curtain tells you you're a baker. I prefer WCs with white chocolate and macadamia nuts, but any ingredients will do. Once you have the new WC baked, you will need to expel the old WC and insert the new one into your head...for this task, I would recommend a home lobotomy kit. Before performing home lobotomies, sterilize your tools to minimize the risk of infection. After you have the drill bits, tweezers, and sewing needles sterilized with rubbing alcohol, drill through the part of the skull where the old WC is located. Take the tweezers out of the home lobotomy kit so you can remove the old WC and the attached amoebic creature from your skull. Insert the new WC with the same tweezers before sewing the wound shut. This should greatly reduce the flow of suicidal & identity thoughts in your brain, thus maximizing the lifespan of the new WC...that is, if you haven't died from a massive loss of blood. Assuming you haven't lost control of your basic motor functions, mix the old WC and the attached amoebic creature into the dogs' food as to minimize waste. To test for any permanent brain damage, play a Billy Ray Cyrus CD. If you think he is a musical genius...you definitely have brain damage. As for any prescription medication, the stuff you need is available only in Switzerland's many fine mental institutions. A change in address would do you a great deal of good. Insincerely, Rev. Psycho Matthias Send your questions to adtheater@yahoo.com...or leave them on the Attention Deficit Theater Message Board...and Psycho will respond to them in this column...whenever he gets motivated to do so. Who needs teachers, therapists, and religious quacks...when you can come to the Reverend! |