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Dear Psycho

The Reverend is in.
October 31, 2001


First of all, Psycho would like to wish the hundreds and hundreds of ADT Psychoholics out there a Happy Halloween...the only holiday worth celebrating, other than Psycho's birthday...now on to another "action-packed" segment of...

Dear Psycho,

I have a problem, a HUGE one!!! I have this really big problem with a severe swelling in my groinal region, The pressure that is building up in that area is very intense and I feel like I am about to burst. I also have a bluish color and some tingling coming from a very loose part of skin down there. I was wondering what I should do? Also I was wondering if these symptoms might have been caused by oral sex that I might have received, or possibly a serious infection caused from it? But the problem with the entire oral sex theory I have come up with might be a problem since the last time I received oral sex was about three years ago. These symptoms do arise, however, when I think about oral sex. Psycho, PLEASE, I need your help and a possible remedy for this problem.

Thank You Sincerely

BASTARD SON OF A THOUSAND MANIACS


Dear Young Impotent Bastard,

Your infection is a lack of affection. In other words, your swollen problem results from getting no nookie...so take this cookie and munch on it for what it's worth.

Apparently, you don't get wet dreams...so that would explain the swelling and blue color of your scrotum, which has a lot of love it has to give. Normally, I would advise you to masturbate...and masturbate often...this works for me and I don't have to deal with the typical problems of a relationship just to get the occasional orgasm...you know, differing opinions, compromises, not always getting my way, and similar s**t I don't want or need...but there is still the issue of your oral sex fixation.

As usual, my ADT buddies and I got stoned and drunk off our asses...no, just me actually...during one of our notorious movie festivals. I brought up your problem and we devised a list of possible remedies to reduce the swelling of your groinal area (after you burst, of course) while utilizing your fixation with oral sex.
  1. Take up yoga so you can be limber enough to have oral sex with yourself...be aware of the risk of a back injury, hernia, paralysis, or all three when practicing.
  2. Adopt a dog. Get some Alpo, gravy, or peanut butter and rub it over your genitals...the bitch will have your problem licked.
  3. Develop a deep, caring, personal relationship with your vacuum cleaner. If you don't already own one, be sure to test out several models to see which one gives the proper amount of suction for you. Don't be afraid to try out the floor models they have at the store. After all, that's what they are there for. We at ADT are firm believers in the "try-before-you-buy" philosophy...which is why people never want to go toilet paper shopping with us.
I hope these options will help you "over-cum" your problem.

Insincerely,

Rev. Psycho Matthias



Send your questions to adtheater@yahoo.com...or leave them on the Attention Deficit Theater Message Board...and Psycho will respond to them in this column...whenever he gets motivated to do so. Who needs teachers, therapists, and religious quacks...when you can come to the Reverend!