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| Dear Psycho >> Lady Cottington's "Bucking" Problem |
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Dear Psycho November 13, 2001 This is probably the most sophisticated thing this column...or this site for that matter...has ever received or presented, but upon closer reading, one will find this letter perfectly in line with ADT's "standards"...a term used very loosely. Dearest Reverend Psycho Matthias, My friend Lady Cottington wrote this distressing message: "I do not know when I have been so vexed and horrified. I had been feeling rather unwell, and retired to my bed early, when I heard a knock at the door. My chambermaid opened it and announced Lord Crowley wished to speak to me. I was about to say no, when in he walked bold as brass. To my horror Mathilda withdrew at the same moment, saying she had some pressing business downstairs. 'Mathilda!' I shouted. But the hussey was gone--leaving me alone in my bedroom with a man! What should I have done? "At this moment my astonisment was completed by the appearance of a couple of fairies, hovering in the air just behind Lord Crowley's shoulder. I confess, that at their appearance I must have smiled, for they certainly looked properly comic. Thus the damage was done! Lord Crowley took my smile as a hint of encouragement, and in no time, he had sprung to my bedside and seized me in his arms, crying, 'My darling! I knew you wanted me to come!' "Imagine my indignation and despair. As I felt his moustachios covering my mouth, I almost choked, and then as I gasped for air, I caught sight of the most ludicrous display. The two fairies were performing a ridiculous pantomime of his Lordship behind his back. One of them was pretending to be me and the other Lord Crowley--complete with vast whiskers made from the cat's tail. Unaware of all this, Lord Crowley pressed me to his breast and a gasp of laughter escaped me. This stupid man took it as further encouragement! 'Yes! Yes!' he cried. 'Your happiness is my happiness!' Oh misery! Before I knew what was happening, he had buried his face in my nightdress and was trying to put his disgusting hands upon my body! "I will not go into further details of this most unhappy night. Suffice it to say that those wicked fairies flew around me, tickling me and touching me with their wicked little hands so that I cried out with laughter, or gasped for breath on more than one occasion thus fuelling His Lordship in his mistaken impression that I was encouraging him! "Indeed, every time I raised my hands to strike the beastly fellow or to push him away from me, one or other of the naughty fairy folk would tickle me under the arms so that I shrieked with laughter and pulled my arms back. Whereupon His Lordship kept shouting, 'That's it! Give me the reins! Saddle her up! Now the water jump!' and so forth. The man was clearly quite out of his mind. "How long this ordeal continued I am not sure. But I grew weak and trembling with my exertion and one of those impudent fairies seemed to be right inside me tickling me from within so that I could scarce think and scarce knew what was going on. "When I came to myself, I was lying alone in my bed. To my infinite relief, His Lordship had gone, but the two fairies were sitting on the end of my bed. The were grinning, though they looked disheveled. "'Go away!' I shouted at them. But they just turned around and bared their bottoms at me!" Reverend, what on Earth happened to my dear friend Lady Cottington? What should she do about the meddlesome fairies? about Lord Crowley? Doubly Dearest Beloved Friend of Lady Cottington, Lady Cottington was the unfortunate victim of a gang rape. Lord Buckley probably didn't realize he was committing this crime...but if it was intentional, this overzealous aristocratic pervert probably has enough high-priced attorneys to pull an "O.J.," Also, he seems to have a horse-riding fetish in addition to the sexual scruples of a caveman (or yours truely). As for those mischievious fairies, one apparently gave new meaning to the term "muff diving" during the proceedings, while getting it on with the other fairy in an act of role-play. Adding insult to injury, our Lady of Cottington was "mooned" by these fairies who were sexually satisfied at our Lady's emotional expense. Should the guilty parties return to the scene of the crime, our Lady of Cottington will be prepared, with a little help from Psycho's Dirty Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap)...*a moment of silence for AC/DC's Bon Scott.* Have your friend Lady Cottington assign a servant with the task of buying flypaper, then have Mathilda, the chambermaid, place the flypaper in various places near the bed of the master chamber in a camouflaged manner. Also, you will need a saddle and stirrups from the stable...their use will be a little humiliating for your friend, but trust me on this. Then have her invite Lord Buckley over for tea and "nookies" later that day. Once Lord Buckley is in her home, have our Lady immediately lure him into the master bedroom. Make him wait while your friend goes into the adjacent bathroom to remove her clothing and strap on the saddle and stirrups. Hopefully the fairies will have flown into the room and into the flypaper. Have your friend greet our Lord afterwards with a deep, pseudo-passionate kiss before rapidly jumping into the bed. She must impersonate a horse in the process and be on "all-fours" on the bed with her buttocks aimed in the direction of our lustful Lord, who should be fully nude at this point. When he approaches, our Lady should kick Lord Buckley in the testicles like a horse would do. Your friend will pretend as if this was an accident...that the incident was role-play gone horribly awry. Have her nurse Lord Buckley in the master bathroom while Mathilda removes the flypaper containing the two trapped fairies, which she would, in turn, give to the cook in the kitchen. The cook should do the following.
Insincerely, Rev. Psycho Matthias Send your questions to adtheater@yahoo.com...or leave them on the Attention Deficit Theater Message Board...and Psycho will respond to them in this column...whenever he gets motivated to do so. Who needs teachers, therapists, and religious quacks...when you can come to the Reverend! |