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Script and notes for Behind the Bullshit: John Holmes featured on Kittie Porn
Cast
Narrator: Presenting a story so mind-bogglingly HUGE, that no one but Attention Deficit Theater's Behind the Bullshit has the BALLS to cover it. Introducing the real story behind the life of John Holmes. John Holmes: The Story Behind the Phallus. Narrator: John Holmes started out as a perfectly normal boy, growing up in a perfectly normal town. But one quiet Sunday afternoon, that all changed. (sfx of car on quiet Sunday afternoon drive) Little Johnny: Daddy, I have to go wee-wee. Papa Holmes (in pseudo-Southern accent): What?! Again! (grumbles) Fine. (pulls car over to shoulder of road) You see that bush over there by that nuclear power plant? Why don't you go take a leak over there. Little Johnny: You mean that bush with the weird green glow to it? Papa Holmes: Yup, and hurry up damnit! (Little Johnny gets out of car and take a leak near the bush. Sfx of a strange hum coming from faulty reactor growing louder and louder until... KAAAAZZAAAAP!) Little Johnny: Oh my God! Narrator: Little Johnny didn't realize it yet, but from that moment on he had something special... something which no one else had...the most enormous penis in all the world! School Teacher: So what did you bring for show-and-tell today, Johnny? Little Johnny: Well... Narrator: Yes, Johnny now had a lot to show. A fact that became all too apparent when he finally hit adolescence. Girl #1: So tell me John, is that a grand piano in your pants or are you just happy to see me? Narrator: It didn't take long for John to realize that there was only one place for someone with his enormous talent: The Porn Industry! Adult John (in pseudo-Southern accent): All right, where do you want me? (knocks over equipment with huge penis) Director: Jesus Christ, John! Will you be careful with that thing?! You're knocking over all our lighting equipment! Narrator: John Holmes went on to make many great classic adult films. But then one day, tragedy struck! Girl #2: Oh, the horror of it all! The horror! Cop: Calm down, mam. Just tell us exactly what happened. Girl #2: It was awful. He got crushed by the weight of his own penis. Narrator: If you would like to learn more about John Holmes and other men with enormous schlongs, just go to the back room of your local video store, where you are sure to find several very educational and informative films. This concludes our presentation of "John Holmes: The Story Behind the Phallus."
The first draft of the script was written by Dustin on December 12, 2001. It pretty much just consisted of the nuclear reactor gag and some storybook-style narration.
Originally, the grand piano line was voiced by Matt doing a somewhat ridiculous high-pitched voice. I later re-dubbed the line using Jasmine's voice. The original version of the bit appears on the SeedsofEvil.com: Not for Pussies CD.
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