A Message to the sons of Pamela Anderson
By Sacralicious

Cast
Sir Larry Oliver: Sacralicious

You have my endless pity kids
Because of what your parents did.
It's plain for me and all to see
How screwed your lives are going to be.
And what's the cause of all this doom?
Your parents taped their honeymoon.
The tape was stolen from their pad;
Now, sex between your mom and dad
Is bought and seen by all alive
For the price of nineteen ninety-five.

Enjoy your lives in infancy,
For once your friends hit puberty,
They'll all come over to your home
Because your mom they'll want to bone.
They'll make you wish you were not born,
'Cause all they'll talk about is porn.
Forget about the internet
Unless you want to get upset.
I fear you'll fly into a rage,
Since Mom is nude on every page.

You dad, of course, is never there,
Since he'll be with a band somewhere.
Just playing drums, getting in fights
And different women every night.
And Mom is dating more rock stars
Who look like scum but drive nice cars.
To bars and clubs they'll always go
And then, they'll make a video.
I wish you could keep your eyes shut.
I'm sorry that your mom's a slut.

This was originally an assignment I received from my poetry professor. We had to write a poem bashing a celebrity using rhyming couplets. So I wrote a twenty or so line poem in iambic tetrameter about Pamela Anderson being a dirty ho. I find it incredibly hilarious and sad that when her children grow up they can go to a video store and rent their own conception. This poem can also be found in print form in the 2002 edition of the Evansville Review.