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December 26, 2000
Script and notes for PSYCHOMAS: A Christmas Special for the Happily Miserable. featured on Equal Opportunity Offenders
Cast
(Christmas music) SYPH: Most people think Christmas is a time for family...togetherness...and love... (Christmas music stops...replace with something way heavier.) SYPH: WELL FUCK THAT! We here at Attention Deficit Theater have something else in mind: the First Annual Psychomas Christmas Special! SYPH: Featuring the Rev. Psycho Matthias... (Insert clip from "Assholes Anonymous") SYPH: ...Syphillis... (Insert clip from "Reverse Viagra") SYPH: ...Franky the Homicidal Squirrel... PSYCHO: Aaahhhh!!!! Get it off!!! Get it off!!!!! SYPH: ...and introducing special guest stars Zod the Impaler... ZOD: You will have a happy holidays. Zod commands it! SYPH: ...and our studio engineer, the mad scientist Malkore... MALKORE: Fools! You do not yet realize the hidden powers of fruit cake! SYPH: ...as well as Bonkers the Manic-Depressive Clown... BONKERS: Will someone please tell me what the hell I'm doing here?! I mean who the hell puts clowns in a Christmas special?! Just what were you thinking?! God, I need a drink! SYPH: ...let's not forget the Official Psychomas Sex Kitt-umm...I mean Elves. PSYCHO: Okay, now here's a copy of the script. Now I'll start off with "Ho, ho, ho!" and then you say "Oh, Psycho Claus, I've been such a NAUGHTY little elf. Can I sit on your lap?" and then the next line is... ELF: Why you disgusting little pervert! PSYCHO: No, that's not the next line. Oh, I almost forgot...I'm going to need you to put on this Official Psychomas Special Holiday See-Thru Thong Bikini. ELF: You pig! (slap) SYPH: ...our special musical guests: the Thimbleville Neo-Nazi Boys Choir... CHOIR: (singing) ...and now we don our gay apparel...HEY! WHAT KIND OF FAGS WROTE THIS?!!!! SYPH: ...and finally, here to give his blessing over tonight's festivities, the leader of the Roman Catholic Church, His Holiness, the Pope. POPE: HELP! HELP! Get me out of here! I've been kidnapped! Will someone please help me get out of here?! HELP!!! SYPH: (forced laughter) Oh...that wacky Pope..such a joker. Psycho Claus, will you go put the gag back on him? PSYCHO: Will do. (Struggle ensues as Psycho tries to put gag back onto pope) POPE: (voice gets increasingly faster, more rabid and less intelligble): Hey! Get away from me! I don't want that greasy old gym sock put back in my mouth! NO! NO! STOP IT! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU ATHEISTIC ALCOHOLIC POTHEAD SPAWN OF SATAN! MAYBE IF YOU HAD BOTHERED TO PAY THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF ATTENTION TO WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD, INSTEAD OF BEING STONED AND DRUNK OUT OF YOUR MIND, FOCUSING ON THE DEVIL'S WORK WITH THIS BLASPHEMOUS TELEVISION SPECIAL THAT DEGRADES THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS HOLIEST OF DAYS: THE BIRTH OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, YOU WOULD REALIZE THAT CHRISTMAS WAS TWO WEEKS AGO! (Music grinds to a halt.) PSYCHO: Comeon now. Be a good religious leader and stop your struggling. Don't make me get out Malkore's Pain Amplifier again. MALKORE: Oh yes. My greatest invention yet: tortures a man to the brink of madness... and makes homefries in less then 60 seconds. ELF: Wait. Didn't that guy with the funny hat just say something about Christmas being two weeks ago? PSYCHO: Huh? SYPH: Yeah, I think he's right. Christmas WAS two weeks ago. PSYCHO: Shit! Why doesn't anybody ever tell me these things? SYPH: Well...I guess that's it for the First Annual Psychomas Christmas Special...but be sure to join us for next year's special when the Thimbleville Neo-Nazi Boys Choir will be singing their rendition of "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas." Thank you and good night!
Interestingly enough, this bit wasn't finished until two weeks after Christmas. Psychomas was the first bit produced after we changed our name to Attention Deficit Theater. It also was the genesis of the characters Zod, Malkore, Bonkers, and Franky the Homicidal Squirrel. I threw them into the script because I felt that a good Christmas special needs some interesting guest stars. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to create some new characters that could be used and exploited in other scripts. Here's a little more info on each of the characters: Zod: When I was working at WIMC, all of the DJs were asked to record a Christmas greeting. For my greeting, I contemplated saying in a deep, dark voice, "You will have a Merry Christmas. I command it." I was rather fond of the voice I had come up with, and I began to fashion the character of Zod around it. If you wish to learn more about Zod, check out Zod's Web Shrine to Himself. Malkore: My desire to come up with a mad scientist character stemmed from watching a lot of Tenchi Muyo episodes. My favorite character from the series is Washu, who is sort of a mad scientist. Bonkers: When Matt first started to record the lines for this character, he did it in a depressed, Stephen Wright style voice. I wasn't particularly happy with the voice because Bonkers is supposed to be manic-depressive and I didn't want his manic voice to sound significantly different from his depressed voice. I then suggested to Matt that he should use a gruff, gravely voice for Bonkers. Franky the Homicidal Squirrel: I really have no idea how I came up with this character. I guess someone being attacked by an evil squirrel seemed like a good gag to use.
Thimbleville Neo-Nazi Boys Choir: These guys were in part inspired by a Klan special Jerry Springer did right around Christmas time.
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