Rollerball gives lessons in screwy movie logic
By Sacralicious

Originally published in The Crescent on February 14, 2002

In the grand tradition of sports movies like “No Holds Barred” and “Rocky IV” comes “Rollerball,” a movie that plays like pro wrestling with a more ridiculous plot. The story, which takes place in the not-too-distant future, follows Jonathan Cross (Chris Klein), the NHL’s first-round draft pick who is dubbed the next Wayne Gretzky. As the movie starts, he tries to earn a few hundred dollars during an illegal street luge photo shoot on the streets of San Francisco.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t see many first round draft picks who need to earn a few hundred dollars doing stupid stunts. As the photo shoot ends, a car chase — or in this case luge chase — commences, which causes thousands of dollars in damage before Jonathan is saved by his friend Marcus Ridley (L.L. Cool J).

Marcus tells him to earn the big bucks playing the game Rollerball. Since the police now want Jonathan, he moves to Asia to be in the league. And thus ends the only entertaining, yet totally pointless, part of this movie.

Cut to Central Asia where Alexi Petrovich (Jean Reno) runs the Rollerball league and pretty much the whole region. Jonathan quickly becomes a star player and has the cash, fans and cars to prove it.

After one of his teammates is brutally assaulted on the track he realizes this sport may be a bit too dangerous. Now all he wants to do is escape Petrovich’s iron hand.

“Rollerball” was a learning experience. Apparently, in the future we will have “Instant Global Rating” to gauge TV. Every time there is a violent act on Rollerball, ratings go up. This means people of the future have the psychic ability to tell when violence is on other channels.

I also learned that when a motorcycle plows through a barbed wire fence you hear a cartoon “BOING!” sound.

And thanks to the character Aurora (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos), I realized that women work out and walk around topless, but wear sweatshirts when they are in a sauna. Ahh, sweet movie logic.

I rented the 1975 “Rollerball,” which is about a corporate-controlled society where people aren’t allowed to make their own decisions. Violence is outlawed so their only release is Rollerball games.

The remake is more about corruption and the effects of TV violence. It’s flashier, but lacks substance. The new version is like the “XFL” of rollerball movies, down to the silly nicknames.

Director John McTiernan (“Die Hard”) should be ashamed. I pity the people who had to edit this trash. This is truly a movie that should have never been made.