Script for Spontaneous Combustion Salsa
Written by Mike Selby

featured on Equal Opportunity Offenders

Cast
Person 1: Matthew A. Woodruff
Person 2: Sarah Sandberg
Announcer: Mike Selby

Person 1: Oh man. Those habenero peppers about killed me.

Person 2: Oh that ain't nuthin'. Here try this.

Person 1: What is it?

Person 2: Just trust me. (maniacal laughter)

Person 1: (crunch of chip) Wow! This stuff really is spic- (bursts into flames and starts screaming)

Announcer: Few salsas are powerful enough to deliver the lingering pain of second and third degree burns. Introducing Spontaneous Combustion Salsa. It's the only salsa with that extra hint of napalm.

Person 1: (still on fire) Ahhh... It burns! IT BURNS!!!

Announcer: Spontaneous Combustion Salsa comes in three exciting flavors: hot, extra hot, and Chernobyl. Spontaneous Combustion Salsa - look for it in your grocer's dangerous food section. Warning: Be sure to seek medical attention after bursting into flames. The Nuclear Test Ban Treaty prohibits the use of Chernobyl flavored salsa above sea level.