Script for The Talk
Written by Mike Selby

featured on Equal Opportunity Offenders

Cast
Dad: Mike Selby
Son: Matthew A. Woodruff
Scientist: Matthew A. Woodruff

Dad: Son, I think it's time we had "the talk".

Son: Oh, geez Dad, not now.

Dad: Now son, you're getting older now and you're having all sorts of special changes going on in your body. So I think it's time I told you a little bit about the facts of life. You know son... one day you're going to meet that special someone in your life... and when you do... it's possible that she may have been around more than Wilt Chamberlain. Yes, she might very well have syphilis, genital herpes, gonorrhea, and a few diseases that they haven't even found a name for yet! And if that does happen, fortunately for you there's:

(trumpet sound)

Dad: Super Ultra Deluxe MAXIMUM Strength Condoms -- The ONLY condom on the market made with the same stuff that NASA uses to protect the astronauts from cosmic radiation!

Dad: Ordinary condoms catch fire and melt when exposed to the heat of a flame-thrower... but not Super Ultra Deluxe MAXIMUM Strength Condoms.

(sound of flame-thrower)

Dad: Look! It's not even scorched!

Dad: Watch as we fill these two condoms with liquid nitrogen. Look, the ordinary condom becomes brittle and breaks... but the Super Ultra Deluxe MAXIMUM Strength Condom seems to hold up just fine. No signs of leakage at all!

Dad: Plus, every single Super Ultra Deluxe MAXIMUM Strength Condom is specially tested by our scientific research team to ensure the maximum amount of comfort and pleasure for you and your sexual partner.

(sounds of sexual screams of excitement)

Scientist: Her screams only went up to 96 decibels this time. Well, I guess it's back to the drawing board.

Dad: But Wait! That's not all! Every one of our condoms comes fully lubricated with our very own special formula lubricant which can make any surface virtually frictionless. Watch as we demonstrate it on this paved highway.

(sounds of cars skidding and crashing)

Dad: Now that's slick! So for kind of girl that has everything (and we do mean EVERYTHING) use Super Ultra Deluxe MAXIMUM strength condoms. Ask for it by name!