February 28, 2001

Talking Timmy
Written by Mike Selby

featured on Equal Opportunity Offenders

Cast
Business Guy: Mike Selby
Bill: Matthew A. Woodruff
Boss: Mike Selby
Normal Timmy doll voice: Matthew A. Woodruff
Demonic Timmy doll voice: Mike Selby
Johnson: Mike Selby

(setting: boardroom)

Business Guy: Now, here's Bill with his report on our Talking Timmy Doll product line.

Bill: Well, I have some good news... and some bad news. The good news is that production is proceeding right on schedule, and our advertising and marketing efforts are performing flawlessly.

Boss: ...and the bad news?

Bill: Well, the bad news is... ummm... how do I put this? The bad news is that our entire product line has become possessed by Satan. Yeah, you know how we built the manufacturing center on top of an old sacred Indian burial ground? That turned out to be a REALLY bad idea.

Boss: Excuse me, did you just say that the entire product line has been possessed by Satan?

Bill: Yes, that's correct. Allow me to show you what I'm talking about. For instance, when you pull Talking Timmy's string he's supposed to say something like "Hi! I'm Talking Timmy and I want to be your friend." ...but now when you pull his string he says this:

(pulls string)

Talking Timmy Doll: Hi! I'm Talking Timmy (voice suddenly turns demonic) AND I WANT YOU TO DIE!!!!

Bill: Also, we've been...

Doll: DIE! DIE! DIE! I'm going to kill you, motherfucker! Yeah, I'm talking to you fat boy! I'm going to rip off your head and shit down your neck!

Bill: Excuse me for a second.

(picks up doll and begins slamming him across the table to get him to shut up)

Doll: Hey! Let go of me! Put me down, asswipe! Stop it! Stop it! That really hurts, asshole! Just wait until I get my hands on yo- Aggghh! That fucking hurt! Knock it off motherfucker! (damaged) Die! Die! Diiiiieeee!

Bill: Also, we've been getting several customer complaints that the doll has been coming to life and killing people.

Boss: Hmmm... This looks pretty serious. Johnson, you're our Public Relations Director, is there any way to put a positive spin on this?

Johnson: Well, we could remarket the doll as the world's first talking demonic toy.

Boss: Brilliant! I like your thinking Johnson... but Timmy sounds too innocent for a talking demonic doll. It needs a better name... something like... (long pause) ...Chucky. Yeah, Chucky sounds like a good name. I think we'll go with that.

Announcer: Here at Scumco, we don't make the talking demonic toy... we make the talking demonic toy better.